pushing my buttons

i'm not sure how to blog on this today but i want to. I'm experiencing giving fatigue today. I'm tired of serving people today.

This obviously has me quite conflicted considering that's what discipleship 101 is all about. It's not that i don't see how Christ has given himself for me. i do. I'm just feeling like there is a pattern emerging in my life. Simply put its that i am somehow responsible to serve everyone around me... and that's it.

Monday evening Shiloh got sick again, so we decided to let everyone sleep in on tuesday. At our house that means 8 o clock. so we got Abi up and ready for school. while she was getting ready i went outside to dig out the cars.

Now my 1976 snow blower had recently come back from the shop but it was buried behind the vehicles. So i started shoveling the end of the drive so i wouldn't get stuck pulling the cars out. My plan was then to take the snow blower and if it worked (it hasn't been all that faithful) and clear the driveway.

Abi was already late for school and i had an appointment at 10. so while i cleared the end of the drive i made meaningless conversation with my neighbour's sister who was clearing their driveway too.

I got the cars out and Abi still wasn't outside so i started the snow blower. It started! i took it for a pass. the snow must have been heavy (or my snow blower sucks) cause it would only throw the snow about 2 feet beside the blower.

It became clear to me that i wasn't going to get the driveway done before i had to get Abi to school and get to my appointment.

So i got abi put her into the van which was now parked on the street, pulled up beside my neighbour who was still shoveling.

i explained that i had an appointment at 10 but that after that i was coming back to finish my driveway, and that if she didn't have anywhere to go she could leave the rest of her driveway and i would finish it when i finished mine...

she said, "I'll do it myself... It's a little late"

i know there is a much larger story behind the look on her face, and her words and very little of it if any at all has anything to do with me at all but that doesn't mean it didn't sting.

truth is i have been seeing that attitude a lot lately. It's the attitude that says, "you exist to serve me and you're not doing a very good job doing it lately".

There's something about entitlement that ruins benevolence.

the worst part of all this is that the more i think about it the more it brings to the surface my own feelings of entitlement.

and i'm not sure i'm comfortable with the idea that if you don't expect anything from people they won't disappoint you.

it's tricky stuff.

I see all of these kinds of things eroding my faith. Not capital F faith. just lower case f faith. I know whom i have believed, but all this stuff has me wrestling with motives lately. It says everything that does not come from faith is sin.

but i serve people out of expectation all the time. but i tell you. some days i want do what i want to do and not do what i don't want to do.

i can see that's a dangerous road.

i guess what all this means is that i'm still too influenced by the expectations of people.

so that's why i'm journalling here today. trying to quiet the voices that pull at my life till there is only one.

something pleasing to hold onto

1 Tim 2

1I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone 2| for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. 3| This is good, and pleases God our Savior.

waking up

ok so last night my poor wife wiped out and landed squarely on her tailbone. needless to say she was a hurtin unit last night and i don't think she slept that well cause of it. so being the stupendous husband that i am, when the kids started calling this morning, i got up, turned up the filter (white noise) and let her go back to sleep.

problem is that Abi was complaining about feeling sick (through her little sister whom she has conned into hollering for her),

Shiloh got up and told me he wasn't feeling well either - he promptly chucked his cookies into the cereal bowl that we didn't get cleaned up last night and i got him to the toilet without a mess.

by this time Abi has informed me that she wasn't feeling sick at all just hungry.

i get shiloh emptied out and settled, call esther who has been wandering through the house at will, covered in pee, cause she leaked last night and didn't tell me.

so i get her out of leaky pj's and into bathtub for a bath and decide that i don't want to know where she has been wandering all morning.

i get her out of the bath and go to start on Breakfast. There are no dishes or cups cause my poor wife was on her butt last night through no fault of her own (really folks, i don't blame her for not having the cat like reflexes and agility of her husband. you know what they say, "the selfsame Spirit, dividing to every man severally as he will")

so i spend some time clearing up the table and counters, run the dish water, dig out some dishes for breakfast. go to get the shreddies that i bought yesterday for breakfast today and have promised the kids for their breaky, and both bags are split open down the side. so i have to return them.

i pour the cheerios to the chagrin of the kids and get to the dishes.

dishes are done, kitchen is clean, kids are fed and settled infront of their third parent (Kids CBC) and i'm down here thinking that i still prefer working up to agape instead of having to wake up to agape.

Operation Christmas Child

Esther and I filling up a shoebox for operation Christmas child.

Tech Corner

watching the snow storm out the window of Joppa